Even though I haven't believed much in star signs and zodiac, reading has pretty much given an indulgence into the characteristics of each zodiac. Mine being Cancer I quite liked the qualities of being a home lover and someone who dislikes change. It is exactly these two qualities which have been attributed as my most definitive personality traits, as observations made by all those who know me. Entertaining my family has been a personal endeavour and an agenda which has got me occupied for the better part of my life. By family I would also wish to include my friends and colleagues who have all felt the compulsive nature of entertaining indulgence that I have. Even as life cannot be seen as a clear case of black and white or right or wrong, I would still strive to add as much of good memories for everyone as possible. It is as if this compulsive indulgence has been so important and inspiring for handling relationships that I speak of it now with such deep reverence.
Some people though close to my sustenance and wellbeing have found time and again a change in attitude from within me, when I shift gears to seclusion doing a selective self removal from all social occurring's available for savouring. Reasons best know to me and sometimes leaving people curious or eager to know more but nevertheless are left high and dry. Through all the difficulties and the wondrous maze of confusing decision making what I make of it is almost like braving the sigh seas living delicately to the moment than to be thinking about the past or to be dreaming about the future. But like all rough sea thinking it also crosses my mind that tomorrow in case I survive I will have a laugh about it. The laugh in the future is so important that I am willing to forgo the past and save the best of conclusions for a good laugh in the future. When it comes to our bad situations nothing will ever be close to the happiness experienced while recounting the past in a time where we are more willing to accept, feel less embarrassed and not pissed off or something.
Whenever thinking about any baggage from the past I firmly believe that we all succumb to human error of judgement at times, but it is in fact our being confident of our judgements on others that hurts us the most. It is common fare and a practice that I have developed over a period of time due to which I tend to award profane adjectives to people and get over with their shortcomings. Assuming its not too different with all of us surviving the great saga of follies contributed by all of us again, I take this leap of faith- that this process is for certain a win win for my emotional recourse. Well this assumption is broken as soon as it almost seems fool proof. It is only till such time till we realize that such a practice is actually unbearable for us to do so on a certain section of people whom we love. For instance my comfort zone in calling people names and getting on with my life stands broken now as I fail to reconcile with the fact that I could ever think so coldly about this certain person. There is always the first time and hoping it is also the last, it is this very practice that seems to have incited unbearable pain from within. Holding myself and my voice by the collar I take a hard look and fist closed for a punch to the stomach thinking how on earth can I ever fathom such a thought. Life gives us issues whereby we are unable to live with ourselves angry at something or someone. It has happened to everyone with someone but the most interesting observation I can make is for the parental audience hovering over our lives.
At times I felt it as if it were the holy ghost in human form and what will I ever do without them. At times parental scrutiny and unsurpassable presence also felt like strangulation, remember the Eddy Murphy stand up line when he goes mad with his mother, requesting god to strike her down with the narrative delivered/ recited in capital letters. But somehow I always go numb thinking how easy it is for us to call people names. The same human character is in question when this peculiar audience of parents experience similar anger for their kin, and for certain they feel extremely unhappy to think like that in the first place. Bad reactionary side effects could at times for unlucky families result in questions of parental upbringing and expectations mores ever for parents themselves than their children.
Without experiencing such pain and emotional upheaval it would have almost certainly left me incapacitated in understanding the inner violence that most parents go through and deal with. It is thus concluded that “har eak pain Zaroori hota hai”, taa na na na naaa na na na na na naaa tana na na na na na na naaa naa!! and pain as always followed by hope always instils a certain idealism of desire that I wish for my family. Still as the ever lasting drive on this highway of humanity continues I sometimes remember that dialogue going like “all happy families resemble each other but the unhappy ones are unhappy in their own way” So it goes and I am hopeful that when I steer clear of a majority of racers in this sea of humanity and so long as I enjoy the drive rather than race in it my will for happiness shall prevail.
